Suburban Wino 2: The Wordpress Experiment

When a card just doesn’t cut it. | February 14, 2011


If you’re like me, you have special lady in your life (or special fella, but that would make you a little less like me). Furthermore, if you’re like me, it’s the late evening of February 13th, and you’ve done nothing in preparation for Valentine’s Day.
I chalk up V-Day as a necessary evil. February doesn’t have a signature holiday, and groundhogs just don’t have the star power or panache to carry the month. The feast day was established for martyred Saint Valentinus, but was no-doubt augmented by some mushy card-pusher who was way-into love, teddy bears, and cute little pink hearts. Sorry, I don’t cotton to cute little pink hearts…
Anyway, the easy out is to grab a card at the grocery store, scrawl an Air Supply lyric between the fold, add various “X’s” and “O’s”, and hope for the best, banking on the old adage, “it’s the thought that counts.” Problem is, when was the last time you appreciated a card that didn’t have money or a Bass Pro Shops gift card nuzzled within? We’ve got to do better.
Jewelry? Too expensive.
Roses? Not only are they inedible, but they die after a few days. Plus, in this desperate eleventh-hour situation, the shrewd rose hawkers know they can stick it to poor souls like me who’s wives go gaga for their racket. Roses are b.s. Don’t do it.
What about chocolates? Too fattening, and the Valentine’s ones seem to always be filled with disgusting pink mystery goo; no doubt the boiled-down and reconstituted remains of unsold Christmas candy.

Gentlemen (and ladies in a similar predicament), there’s only one option left. In my case, sheer physical perfection is not that option. No, in order to turn this season of stress into a lovers’ cruise, we all need to summon our inner “Isaac the Bartender” and set sail on a romantic journey fueled by the sensual power of booze…
…wine, in particular. Is there any beverage more pleasurable to the senses? Forget the flowers and the chocolate. If you crack a good bottle and throw together a decent meal, the power of wine will take over.
In some personal research studies, wine has been shown to let guards down 100% of the time. It increases laughter at least by 50%. Wine erases irritation over the absence of gifts of jewelry, chocolate, and/or roses 75% of the time (rate is in direct correlation with the volume of wine consumed).
In an unrelated study, a couple glasses of wine drastically improve the ability to make up fake statistics.
Most importantly, though, a winning “Isaac the Bartender” smile, combined with an “Isaac the Bartender” carefree-and-fun-loving spirit (plus some wine) can often lead to romance. The odds increase dramatically if you are Isaac the Bartender. That mustache is astounding. Here’s to you, Isaac. You magnificent bastard.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: if you want to stack the odds for love this Valentine’s Day- be that a snuggle, some smooches, or full-on Animal Planet-type stuff- snag a bottle of wine, pour a couple glasses, and see where the night takes you.
If anything, it’s a good excuse to drink on a Monday night.
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