Suburban Wino 2: The Wordpress Experiment

Booze in the News – January 14, 2011 | January 14, 2011

Blogging’s face-for-radio tackles the interweb’s most ‘spirited’ stories with a golden voice and a touch of halitosis… gingivitis… and probably some bed bugs.

Plunder the influence: A Delaware man broke into a house, got drunk, and couldn’t figure out how to leave, so he called 911 for help. Police claim 44 year old John Finch entered a vacant Wilmington, DE home, stayed for a couple days and drank five bottles of liquor, then- in his inebriated state- couldn’t remember to go out the window he used to enter. Having run into a situation where the doors of the house required keys, even from the inside, Finch decided his best option was to call the fuzz. When they showed up, I’m curious if the schnockered squatter mistakenly got excited when the po-po informed him that he’d soon be “behind bars.”

Vintage: An international group of scientists claim to have discovered the world’s oldest winery…in Armenia. The team- led by archaeologists from UCLA- found within a preserved cave in southern Armenia, winemaking equipment that is nearly 6,000 years old. The artifacts include clay pots, vats, a simple press, seed and stem remnants, and a cup. Also found was a letter from Demeter USA, denying biodynamic status for the wineries vineyards, on account that a buried mammoth tusk filled with giant sloth shit does not comply with the organization’s rigorous standards. Suburban Wino merchandise and unsent fan mail were not discovered.

A Dream Deferred: This edition’s cover model- Ted Williams, the golden-throated homeless man-turned-viral sensationis reportedly heading to rehab for alcohol abuse. His rags-to-riches story lost some of its luster when sanctimonious blowhard Dr. Phil browbeat Williams into his decision during a taped interview this week (following a minor incident involving alcohol in Los Angeles on Monday). While I wish Mr. Williams the best of luck in tackling his addiction, I fear the worst, as he was recently offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. Nothing will drive an Ohio man to drink quicker than talking Cleveland sports.

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