Suburban Wino 2: The Wordpress Experiment

Uncle Ernie’s Rejuvenating & Vitalizing Tonic | August 30, 2010


It’s said in traditional Chinese medicine that the consumption of tiger penis promotes virility.
The people of Iceland are known to eat putrid, rotten shark meat- called hákarl– as part of hallowed tradition.
Oysters, long believed to be an aphrodisiac, were no doubt labeled as such to get some poor soul to finally eat one. Listen, I love oysters, but who was the first person to tuck in? Someone desperate for a date, I presume. Keep in mind that they didn’t have becomeaplayer.com back then.
Snake whiskey? What a terrible idea. Check out the muscly dude on the label in the picture above. Doesn’t say anything about “smooth & drinkable”. Nope. A picture of a muscly dude in a speedo always implies, “Hey loser, wanna get laid? Well, if you choke this poison down, by comparison, asking Sally to the sock hop will be a freakin’ breeze.”
Here’s my point: throughout history, the undesirable bits of food were always marketed differently; promoted as health cures or potency tonics. Waste was not an afforded luxury back then, so every consumable had to be utilized. What better way to trick folks than to promise rosy cheeks and unbridled masculinity?
Further, I present a second point: I’m awfully wary of any food product that’s marketing bypasses pleasant taste in favor of “healthful properties”. Sorry, there is no tiger penis in the Suburban Wino household pantry.

That being said, if the comestible in question features no dangling bits of the animal anatomy, I’m willing to indulge curiosity. With that in mind, I agreed to receipt of a sample of 100% pomegranate wine from Tree of Life. I rarely write “reviews” on this site, but this was odd and unusual, as well as supposedly healthy (proceeding with caution).
The deep red, almost brown juice smelled…well, it smelled weird. What else can I say? The nose- perplexing me to this day- had some sort of pickle smell to it. Not like aged Burgundy-pickle; more like a lot of capers. Like a bagel & lox wine, sans the fish, the cream cheese, the onion, and the bagel. Just the capers. In fact, “bagel & lox wine” is clearly a terrible description. Look at what I’ve gotten myself into. Anyway, besides capers, I did catch a little raspberry in there. This isn’t a b.s., scrounging-for-a-red-fruit descriptor. Raspberries, for sure. Also (not surprisingly), it just smelled like pomegranates. Which can smell weird. Feather-in-the-cap of my first descriptor. But let’s face it: pomegranates taste a little odd. Perhaps that’s why they’re marketed as super-healthy.

In the mouth, it was much less offensive. I’d say it tasted like pomegranate juice, but that would just be lazy. It was tart, but smooth. Not tannic or alcoholic. A little sweet. Like a really weak Cape Cod without the lime. Take some cranberry juice and pour just a bit of vodka in. That’s it. Or, ferment a pomegranate. That’s what they did.
So, I guess it was okay. Not my speed, but I’m not swayed by promises of big fruit flavor and beneficial properties in my wine. While I certainly appreciate the opportunity to try it, I don’t think I’d pay money for this product of Armenia. I’d probably just go for a glass of pomegranate juice. But, if you can’t have a health drink without getting a little crunk, then this is for you.
If nothing more, the sample gave me an excuse to write about snake whiskey. And I must say- to its credit- a glass may do your body good without a single ounce of critter wang.
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