Suburban Wino 2: The Wordpress Experiment

GUEST POST! The Wussification, Castration, and Consternation of the American Man | July 23, 2009

Disclaimer: the opinions presented here are not necessarily the opinions of That being said, they are going to either entertain you or anger you greatly. I love when my friend Brad- aka “Wild Hog”- writes a guest post, because I know, if anything, it’s going to be passionate and visceral. And while it’s not about food or wine, it’s probably a discussion sparked by a little too much of both.

As for me, I’m taking the night off. Cheers! -Joe

Good, now that we have gotten that out of the way it is time to get back to the “Hall of Justice”.

I have been contemplating the ills of our society and what possible solutions their might be.

I will start with one of the roots that lead to our wussified society….. Political correctness. Really,…… On a date (well, a hook up) recently the lovely young lady that was allowed the pleasure of enjoying my company was upset when I referred to the three gay guys that live next door as my “Gaybors”. This is a term that I coined 6 years ago when I purchased my home soon learning that I had 3 gay guys living next door. She was offended by this term and proceeded to lambaste me. People figure it out! They’re gay and neighbors. It’s not an insult, it’s a fact. Chastity Bono is not a guy because she cuts off her boobs and digs chicks. But our politically correct government says “Oh yes she is”. B.S.! No amount of mechanical man junk changes your sex. People don’t fall prey to this stupidity! Life is black and white! Don’t allow your children to play sports where there are no losers. This also means there will be no winners. Seriously, dodgeball is gone and “Rope free” jump roping is part of physical education now. We are not preparing kids for life. There is no work-free job or rewards for just showing up.

My jump rope…
Secondly, some of you may not have heard but Michael Jackson passed away. Yes, I know, just terrible. And evidently more important than the collapse of our economy and the wars our boys are fighting. This man (refer to the previous paragraph, he was technically a man) allegedly had inappropriate interactions with children. His supporters say he is innocent until proven guilty. Really….. these donkeys are the same people who believed that “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit”. DonteStallworth was freed after 24 days in prison after killing a man in March. Part of the lighter sentence is a direct result of his coming to a financial settlement with the family before his trial. Nice sell out, literally. The parents of the children that “The King of POP” allegedly enjoyed “Jesus Juice” with- and who knows what the hell else- are just as bad. Good job, you donkeys. You sold out your children’s soul for a few shekels. Or, at least, you trained your child to lie in the first place for your own personal gain. Either way, your first mistake was the one that we know you made. You let your child spend the night with a man that bought “the elephant man’s bones” and refers to himself as “Peter Pan”.

Why are you fruitcakes so enamored with this man’s life and death? Instead of running to TMZ every 5 minutes, why don’t you study NAFTA for that allotted time and start studying the candidates for the next election.

Cowardly Punks.

Now last but certainly not least, if you have or have had any of the following (or dated someone who did) it might be in your best interest to just stop reading now:

1. An Ed Hardy T-Shirt (or Affliction)
2. A faux hawk (Colored or frosted tips with Gel)
3. Tattoos on your neck, face, or small of the back
4. A picture of yourself kissing to the camera.
5. And yes AXE Body spray.

FORGET IT, SCREW YOU!! Read away; maybe you’ll learn something.

It all started several years back when one beautiful young lady (not the one pictured) realized there were almost no real men left in this land. Her sadness and desperation led her down a dark path filled with over-tatted puffs that wore women’s clothing. This was the birth of the “Metro Sexual”. The Metro (like all things douche) would evolve and eventually have a bastard child. This child was hideous! It smelled of Axe body spray, had really bad tattoos in even worse locations, gelled hair with frosted tips, and enjoyed the benefits of HGH and gold chains with crosses on them hanging down on their cleanly shorn chests.

Not to fear! Our people made a deal with their king. Yes, the mastermind behind Von Douche and Ed Hardy. The king’s name was Christian Audigier. The king promised to mark his subjects with slightly tilted hats with straight brims and yes… yes.. shirts with ED HARDY and Affliction written on them. The treaty was made and until now our side has sworn not to break it. That was until recent matters forced action …..our breed is in danger. This new über-race of metro is now intermingling with our women. That’s right…. This sick, terrible abomination has now begun to infect our people. They can be seen interacting with our feminine prizes at locations like East Andrews and Tin Lizzy’s.

Now, it is time for our people to rise up! That’s right… Go out right now and get a can of Copenhagen, a pair of Levis, don’t shave (anywhere, except possibly your face), open the door for your lady friend (be a gentleman, not a donkey), and these actions will strike a heavy blow for our side. If you start to feel weak, I have a few tips that will help you continue in the good fight:

-Rent “The Quiet Man” Starring John Wayne
-Have a sip of Jack Daniels (with water, not Diet Coke and lime, you Sally)
-Revisit the incredible lives and times of two great American Men! Mr. Pat Tillman (and while you’re at it, have a Guinness in his honor) and Mr. Bob Kalsu (Google him, you Mary!)

Good luck out there. I wish you the best. Oh… and by the way if you disagree with any of this, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution.


That is all.



  1. Bob Kalsu was the first Pro Sports professional to die kicking ass.

    Comment by dubsmalone — July 24, 2009 @ 3:48 am

  2. Wow Joe- a new low.Karla

    Comment by Anonymous — July 24, 2009 @ 12:40 pm

  3. What was the previous low?Karla, would you be interested in a "Guest Post rebuttal"? That would be very exciting!

    Comment by Joe — July 24, 2009 @ 2:14 pm

  4. Though I am procrastinating like nobody's business, I unfortunately have a paper due by noon and other end of the semester stuff. Rest assured that the rebuttal would be a 20 page synthesis of the various flaws to the argument, line by line. Not sure I can invest that kind of time, and possibly am developing carpal tunnel as we speak. I suppose the previous low was Woodstock??? It was just a catchy line, wish I had more to back it up.K

    Comment by Anonymous — July 24, 2009 @ 2:46 pm

  5. I'm so flattered that my site is causing procrastination!!! That means a lot!Anyway, thanks a bunch for reading. I love how food and drink bring people together; and a few too many glasses of wine can often end in heated debate…I like to post some stuff like that in addition to the food/drink. However, I do need some opinions and editorial from all angles…makes things more interesting. I welcome yours whenever you're ready!

    Comment by Joe — July 24, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

  6. And hey, easy on Woodstock. "Suburban Wino" could not exist without Woodstock!

    Comment by Joe — July 24, 2009 @ 3:35 pm

  7. Joe,This guy is right on – so happy to see that the common person is represented. Wild Hog for President!

    Comment by Anonymous — July 24, 2009 @ 7:47 pm

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