Suburban Wino 2: The Wordpress Experiment

Under Construction

Joe Herrig — Mon, 10 May 2010 18:31:00 +0000

Per all the great feedback last week, I’m in the process of moving everything over to WordPress, hopefully with a white background (and I like using wordpress better anyway).

In the meantime, I need to focus on that, rather than writing (this feeling may change, but for now, it’s about the transition). So, I figured I’d put up an “Under Construction” image. Then, I decided a picture of Voltron would be cooler.

You Got Surveyed

Joe Herrig — Fri, 07 May 2010 03:40:00 +0000

There will be no sweet hip-hop dance moves here. And there will be no actual “serving”. How could I possibly attempt to serve my audience? Being served is so humiliating. Will I serve you pancakes or maybe a Capri-Sun if you come by my house? You bet. But I’m not gonna drop the tightest of science upon your unsuspecting broke a$$ on the dance floor. That’s just not the kind of serving that goes on ’round these parts.

However, I will survey you. No this is not a lame attempt at a “comment grab”. I’m not lobbying for AdSense to up my earnings from $0.02 a fiscal quarter to $0.03 a fiscal quarter. I just genuinely want to know something (though that extra cent could sure come in handy at the ol’ General Store). Anyway, I’ve heard a few grumblings about the white font on the black background. I thought that was the way to do things, and- apparently- there is a graphic design and presentation professional who does need to get a proper serving out there. I’ve just been taught that a black background pushes lighter font towards the eye, and a white background swallows up darker font. Perhaps it’s malarky. I don’t know.

So, I’m asking you. I need the feedback, because I don’t want to have to reformat this site, but I’ll do if if you want me to. Remember: I’d serve you pancakes, no questions asked. I would certainly also do what is required to make the site more enjoyable. Hit me back, kids!

Joe Versus the Movie Pairings, part 2

Joe Herrig — Wed, 05 May 2010 01:00:00 +0000

…and so it continues. Completing the challenge posted on the Suburban Wino facebook page by a friend (see part 1 HERE). Trying to pair some wines with some of the 80′s finest films. Cue your Europe…it’s the Final Countdown:

Top Gun: Château Pétrus. Quite possibly, year-after-year, the most expensive wine in the world. Nestled in the Pomerol appellation of Bordeaux, France, this tiny producer cranks out- at most- around 2500 cases per year. I’ve seen recent vintages priced at a barrel-roll-above the-hard-deck, nosebleed-inducing pricetag of $1200+. Obviously, someone out there thinks this is the real Top Gun. Interestingly, it’s made primarily out of Merlot, as most wines in the Pomerol AOC are. Often thought to be the wingman of Cabernet Sauvignon, it takes the Top Gun trophy this time. “You’re still dangerous, Merlot…you can be my wingman any time.”

“Bullshit, Cabernet Sauvignon. You can be mine.”

Amadeus: Grüner Veltliner. Celebrate Austria’s most brilliant composer with Austria’s most notable grape. Those with much-more-refined palates than I seem to laud the brilliance of these minerally white wines, especially their food-friendliness. I haven’t drank a multitude of them, but- like Antonio Salieri- I jealously desire to possess the palates of those enological Mozarts who know GrüVee’s symphonic charms. That being said, some of the better ones I’ve had come from a producer called Wolfgang Vineyards, if you really want to take this pairing thing too seriously.

The Naked Gun: For some reason, all I can think about is O.J. Simpson’s performance in this movie. Drink a bottle of Orin Swift’s “The Prisoner” in effigy, and remember the good times… 2,000 yards with the Buffalo Bills, and the one-man Comedy of Errors that was Nordberg.

Rambo: First Blood Part II: Chalone Vineyards was the closest-sounding thing I came up with on a feverish search to find the non-existent “Stallone Vineyards”. Or, something from Paso Robles’ Sylvester Winery. Drink alone.

Troop Beverly Hills: Like Shelley Long’s intrepid vow to sell 2000 boxes of Wilderness Girls’ cookies (to the chagrin of sinister district leader Velda Plendor), take on the equally-daunting challenge of drinking 2000 boxes of wine. Or was it 1000? I can’t even being to put into words how much I don’t care.

Beverly Hills Cop 2: Because nothing says “huge in the 80′s, but completely washed up now” like White Zinfandel, synthesized pop music, and Eddie Murphy’s career.

The Empire Strikes Back: Dammit. The now-defunct “Skywalker Ranch” wines would have been a total softball right here. However, the force is strong with this one, and I must imagine, if there was to be a wine made on the Ice planet Hoth, it would without a doubt be an Ice Wine, or “Eiswein” in Wookie (okay, that’s German. But I know some Germanic people who look like Wookies). A delicious nectar made when grapes (usually Riesling) are left on the vine very late into the season, until they freeze. The majority of the water in the grapes is removed as ice, and what’s left is a sweet, concentrated (but balanced) dessert wine that will take you to Cloud Nine, or at least Cloud City.

Gandhi: Vinho Verde. This light, crisp, and very pale white wine (the “verde” refers to its youth, not a green color) from Portugal pretty much looks the part of water, a.k.a. the lone staple of a hunger strike. Fighting the good fight for peace is darn admirable, but it doesn’t have to be boring. Hey, I don’t recall anyone calling it a “cocktail strike”, okay?

The Karate Kid: Yeah, we all love Daniel-san. And lovable Mr. Miyagi could certainly help make a case for sake on this one. But let’s be honest: we all wanted to be part of Cobra Kai Dojo. So, if you desire the juice in your glass to “strike like a cobra”, you’ve gotta reach for a wine from Washington’s Rattlesnake Hills AVA. Actually named for the shape of the hills, rather than a proliferation of poisonous serpents, this sub-AVA of the Yakima Valley AVA brings some serious Cabernet Sauvignon, Cab Franc, Merlot, Riesling, Syrah, and many more. Indeed, Washington wine is crazy-good, and it’s not afraid to go up against California’s finest. Sweep the leg, Washington. You gotta problem with that?

What a fun challenge. Brought me back a bit to my days of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” mastery. I hope some more challenges are posed, and I really hope some folks drink these wines with the movies suggested.

I’ve tried to think of a way to wrap this one up cleverly. Staring at the screen is no longer an option. All the creativity was used up on the movies. So…hmmm. Bye?

Joe Versus the Movie Pairings, part 1

Joe Herrig — Sun, 02 May 2010 18:56:00 +0000

source: http://www.timesonline.com.uk

While wine pairings are- to many consumers- a point of substantial anxiety, for others, they’re a creative and engaging exercise. Pulling together the food and the drink that so perfectly complement each other is a rush, sparking a “eureka!” moment that begs to be repeated…

But does the challenge of the perfect pairing become addictive? Have folks gone too far? I’ve seen wines paired with everything, from breakfast to shoes. I used to think that pairing wines with the music you’re listen to while imbibing was a cool idea, until I realized finding a wine/music pairing is about as rare as finding a Hall & Oates song on a random iPod. I think I heard a comedian once say that iPods probably come preloaded with at least one Hall & Oates hit. I’m starting to think this wasn’t a joke. Anyway, this concept is allegedly so overblown that it’s caught the ire of the magnificent Hosemaster, officially relegating it to “stay away” status, for fear of a lampooning.

However, pairing with a smattering of bad 80′s movies is something I’ve yet to see, and something that I feel must be done. Not only because I think it’s got entertainment value, but also because a participant on the Facebook opus solicited the challenge. The original plan was to pair one red and one white with each, but I feel there’s a unique style that defines each of these films. So, donning my Hypercolor t-shirt and best pair of acid-washed, tight-rolled jeans, I attempt part 1 of 2 (because I got a list of too many movies):

Roadhouse: when things get out of control at the Double Deuce and Dalton’s not around, you’re only hope to survive is to smash a bottle over someone’s head. Go with a sparkling Blanc de Blancs. Made from 100% Chardonnay, “Blanc de Blancs” means “white from whites”, meaning a white wine from white grapes. More critical to the situation, though, is that a Champagne or sparkling bottle is substantially thicker than a still wine bottle so it can hold the 6 atmospheres of pressure built up within. This extra-thick glass might hold up, allowing for multiple head smashings. Furthermore, the wine held inside the bottle is very nice. And it’s important to always be nice.

RoboCop: Cabernet Sauvignon. This authoritative grape is a cross of Cabernet Franc and Sauvignon Blanc (yes, a red grape and a white grape combined to make a more powerful red grape…makes about as much sense as combining man with machine). Highly respected and often feared by those with soft palates; yet this grape can produce wines that are incredibly powerful, but also display finesse and precision. Unfortunately, some Cabernet Sauvignons can command incredibly high prices, so the odds of them being affordable in futuristic Detroit are highly unlikely.

Sixteen Candles: Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. What else would you drink when 16?

Joe versus the Volcano: Sierra Foothills AVA Zinfandel. As many parts of Amador and Calveras Counties in California rate as “Zone 5″ on the Winkler Scale (a way of measuring heat for the purpose of growing grapes), many of the grapes get very ripe, producing lots of sugar, which is converted into alcohol. Zinfandel, also notorious for ripening unevenly, is often left on the vine until the slowest grapes hit peak ripeness, and the early ones have pretty much turned to raisins. This- in turn- presents more sugar for the yeast to metabolize, producing higher alcohol levels as well. Many Zinfandels from California’s hotter growing regions have alcohol levels of over 16% printed on the labels (with state law allowing a varience of 1% at these high percentages…meaning wines with potentially 17%+). But why all this talk about ripeness, fermentation, and high alcohol levels? Because you’re gonna want to knock yourself out as quickly as possibly while watching this crap movie.

A Nightmare on Elm Street: German Riesling. Many are bottled with residual sugar present, so- as this has not been converted to alcohol during fermentation- the ABV tends to be lower, often around 8%. You’ll be able to keep your wits about you longer and not be lulled to sleep. However, the ripping acidity of the Riesling grape may feel like Freddy’s clawed hand across your tongue.

The Little Mermaid: if you’re looking for a wine to pair with Disney cartoons… #justsayin

The Breakfast Club: A brain. And an athlete. And a basketcase. A princess. And a criminal. No grape fits this description better than the enigmatic Chardonnay. A brain, capable of beautiful and thought-provoking expression, particularly the wines of Burgundy. An athlete, globetrotting the world as one of the top grapes covering acreage under vine. A basketcase, taking on multiple personalities depending on climate, region, oak regime, malolactic fermentation, battonage, and/or sparkling production. A princess, gaining the admiration of perhaps more white-wine lovers than any other grape. And, a criminal, sometimes committing unspeakable atrocities when bottled in its cheapest and most manipulated forms. Sincerely, The Breakfast Club.

To be continued…

But what if your name doesn’t happen to be "Eddie Money"?

Joe Herrig — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 13:48:00 +0000

I have to confess. I’ve got to come clean with you.

Despite all my talk on this site about access to luxuries like Royal Crown Cola and perhaps a ritzy dinner on special occasions at Sizzler, the wife and I are not wealthy. Are we thankful for what we have? Of course. Are we better off than many in America (and especially the world), and do we try to give back to the less-fortunate when we can? Yeah. I think that’s the least we can do as human beings.

That being said, things are tight right now, as I’m sure they are for so many out there. In particular (for the purpose of this post), there are really talented wine bloggers out there who are just trying to make ends meet; maybe stalking the super-rich, just trying to steal a sip of vino from discarded bottles in the trashcans of mega-stars like Bronson Pinchot, Curtis Armstrong, and Willie Aames. Those fat cats take everything for granted…

For this reason, some really wonderful people created the Wine Bloggers’ Conference Scholarship (in particular, Thea from Luscious Lushes …if you’re on twitter, you will always be entertained by following @winebratsf). Anyway, the WBCS allows bloggers to apply for a scholarship that covers registration for the Wine Bloggers’ Conference, airfare, and lodging. Considering the 2010 Conference is in remote Walla Walla, WA (but worth being remote: the Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, and Syrah- among others- coming out of there is ridiculous), airfare is mighty expensive, and hotels are few. All-in-all, the expenses can equate to close to a thousand dollars+.

I fully intend to be a big supporter of this effort in the future. Right now…well, here’s what’s going on:

- first child being born in June. These baby-stuff manufacturers really relish in having your number. Maternity clothes? Are they sewn from the wool of unicorns or something?!
- the wife and I have started a company, and start up costs generally precede positive cash flow.
- don’t buy a house in 2006. I imagine this advice will not be helpful to anyone at this juncture.

Luckily, I know we’ve planned relatively well, and we’ll be fine. Things are just tight right now for extracurricular activities, and right now is when the Wine Bloggers’ Conference is going down. I need to make it clear that I’m not illustrating these points to ask for money. I’m breaking it down to communicate that there are certainly other bloggers- most more talented that me- who are probably in similar situations. Many of them- scholarship applicants- have been “wait listed” for funding (myself included) to get up to Walla Walla and develop themselves into even better, more influential, and- most importantly- more entertaining writers to keep you amused when a productive day of work just doesn’t seem to be a rational choice.

So, if you’ve been looking for a cause to donate, thank you for having a generous spirit. Yes, there are certainly more noble causes; I don’t think a blogger who doesn’t make it to Walla Walla will succumb to river blindness. But, if you are a supporter of the arts and the proliferation of human creativity and self-expression, then I humbly ask that you consider donating to the Wine Bloggers’ Scholarship. Whether the funding goes to myself or another worthy blogger, it will certainly go to good use.

Click HERE for more information…

We didn’t cook a dog. Dogs have personality.

Joe Herrig — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 22:33:00 +0000

Jules: Pigs sleep and root in shit. That’s a filthy animal. I ain’t eat nothin’ that ain’t got sense enough to disregard its own feces.

Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.

Jules: I don’t eat dog either.

Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

Jules: I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.

Okay, all you North Shore Animal League folks can relax. It’s not a dog we cooked. It’s a lamb (P.E.T.A. folks continuing not to relax). However, you have to admit that it does look like we’ve got Fido hooked up to the spit:

So, dog lovers, rest easy. Lamb lovers (and I’m not talking about “lamb with a side of potatoes”), sorry. Lamb lovers (as in “lamb with a side of potatoes”), here’s how it’s done:

1 whole lamb (about 25.30 lb.), head off*

Kosher or Sea Salt

6 lemons, halved

3 or 4 footlong branches of fresh rosemary

thin copper wire

6 oz. lemon juice

6 oz. red wine vinegar

1/4 cup chopped garlic

2 tbsp crushed black peppercorns

1/4 cup rosemary leaves

1/4 cup oregano

32 oz. olive oil (extra virgin or regular)

*when I cook whole hogs, I usually get head-on, because the cheeks offer some of the best meat on the animal (and the ears and tongue are good eatin’ too). With lamb, the heads are heavy, but I don’t believe they bring as much meat to the table, so I opt to leave them off rather than pay for the extra weight.

1) Dig a 4′ x 2′ pit, or block off an area with bricks or stones on a non-flammable area of your your yard. For example, doing this in a bed of pinestraw would be a bad idea. Build a fire with charcoal (not the lighter fluid-infused kind, unless you like meat that tastes like lighter fluid) and/or wood (I used both). Once the coals are ashy, move them to the perimeter of the rectangle, leaving the middle empty.

2) Unwrap your mummified lamb (make sure it’s thawed; you can order them in at a butcher shop and have them hold it for you until thawed, as most come in frozen…unless there’s a farm around the corner from you). Rub the inside and out with salt. Fill the cavity with the halved lemons and rosemary sprigs. Close the body cavity with the copper wire.

3) Mix the lemon juice, vinegar, garlic, peppercorns, rosemary, oregano, and salt-to-taste in a large bowl. While whisking, drizzle the olive oil into the bowl to create an emulsion. This “vinaigrette” will serve as your baste for the lamb.

4) Secure your lamb to your spit with the meat forks on the spit rod and tie the legs with copper wire and secure to the rod. We also used some additional copper wire to wrap around the middle of the beast. Secure the spit rod to your rack (we made one out of 3/4″ iron gas pipe fittings…it’s about 4 feet wide). Position the lamb about 18-24″ above the fire, depending on how hot it is. We also put a pan in the middle of the fire pit to catch tasty drippings. The area in the picture to the left is where I’m burning more wood to create coals to shovel onto the cooking fire when those coals get low…about every hour or so.

5) When your small grill rotisserie motor does not have the power to turn the lamb, curse momentarily, and then get creative. We tied some twine to the neck and positioned the lamb on its side over the fire, then secured the twine at that angle on the top post of the spit rack. The lamb only needed to be repositioned about every 30 minutes.

6) Every time you reposition the lamb, make sure to baste liberally with the olive oil mixture. I make a “mop” out of a stick and some strips of a dishrag. You can also buy mini mops at BBQ supply stores.

7) Your lamb should be done in about 3-4 hours, but the best way to check is with a meat thermometer. Stick it in the thickest part of one of the legs, and also in one of the shoulders. 145˚ means medium-rare. 155˚ is medium. 165˚ is well-done. Once mine hit mid-rare, I boosted the coals underneath, basted it up, and positioned the critter on each side for about 10 minutes to crisp up the skin.

This was my first go at it, and I was happy with the results, but I’d like to try it again with a proper rotisserie motor. There’s definitely an element of “feel” when it comes to cooking the beast evenly, and I moved coals around to the thicker parts, as well as just kept an eye one what was cooking and what wasn’t. In the end, it ended up a little more cooked than how I would want a rack of lamb at a restaurant, but everything was very moist and tender, so I wasn’t complaining. The dogs didn’t complain either; they clearly knew it was a lamb and not one of their own…or they just didn’t care.

For wines, I alway encourage folks to drink what they like. When I’m messin’ with lamb, I gravitate towards big reds: Syrah in particular. Zinfandel is also a nice pairing, or a smoky Malbec or Tempranillo-based red wine. For something a little lighter, a Grenache-based wine would be good. Here’s a lineup of what we knocked back, bellies full of an animal with no personality (otherwise, we wouldn’t eat it…maybe):

Meat me in Southwest Georgia

Joe Herrig — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Mosey into many of the small towns in the Southeast (or nationwide, I’m sure), and the obligatory speed traps along state and local highways will force you to stop and look around. Beyond the Hardee’s, McDonald’s, and Subway (at EVERY exit and in EVERY small town), one will notice local- and often very odd- eateries and fooderies (new word, yo) along the way.

Sorry I said “yo”. It won’t happen again.

With all due respect to two of my favorites: Bate’s House of Turkey in Greenville, AL (a full-on, Thanskgiving-style turkey dinner right off the exit on I-65) and Gresham Bar & Grill, Disco, and Auto Sales in Athens, GA (no explanation necessary), there’s a Chevron gas station in Warwick, GA that offers just a little more than a full tank:

I get goosebumps every time I read that slogan. Genius is not flattering enough of a word. But Stripling’s is much more than a convenience store…

And when have you ever walked into a gas station and seen this?

Full service butcher shop? Okay, not good enough for you? How ’bout this?

Homemade pickles of endless providence (watermelon rind being a particularly regional delicacy)? You got it, sport. But, perhaps you’re looking to step up your road trip noshing to Bourdain-esque levels…

A patchwork of salty pig parts! Just throw it on the radiator, and in no time, you’ve hit flavor country, my friend. Nothing gets that gas pedal moving like a belly full of Souse.

In all seriousness, Stripling’s has a 40 year+ tradition of sausage making and butchery. This location opened in 1991, and if you do find yourself in Southwest Georgia (in particular, on GA 300 between Cordele and Albany), and you’ve got a powerful hunger for something to snack upon, it really is hard to beat an RC Cola and a bag of their homemade beef jerky. Salty, chewy (but not tooth-loss chewy), without a hint of overdone liquid smoke or artificial flavors you can find in commercial beef jerky. Maybe if I were in the passenger seat, I’d have to crack a bottle of smoky Argentine Malbec or Spanish Rioja to go with a pound of this magic. Kudos to Hudson from Two Friends Imports for turning me onto Stripling’s jerky.

Indeed, walking around in here, the folks were giving me weird looks for taking photos of meat. I get it a lot. Perhaps they don’t think too much of a chubby guy snapping shots of food…

…or maybe they realize that I simply never sausage a place.

Clogged arteries, blurry photos, and creepy video documentation

Joe Herrig — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Last Sunday saw me rubbing hooves with the “high on the hog” socialites of Atlanta at Cochon 555.

5 chefs.

5 hogs.

5 winemakers.

5 years off my life: with items like “Pork fried funnel cakes with lard powder and lard caramel”, how could one expect a clean bill of health when waddling out of this pork-centric mecca to excess? Pour on a generous plying of booze (mostly Pinot Noir, a great pairing for piggies, if not still a little too “fashionable” in my book) from good folks from Domaine Serene, Buty Winery, Jasmine Hirsch of Hirsch Vineyards, and a familiar face: former Atlanta native Boyd Pearson, now with the Willamette Valley’s Anne Amie Vineyards (definitely one worth seeking out in town for those price/value seekers).

Yeah, I know that’s only 4 winemakers. Gamble Family Vineyards called the audible and didn’t show up. From the name of the winery, could the organizers have expected anything less?

Luckily, most of the portions were bite-sized, and I didn’t gorge, feeling sheepish and ab-challenged while hanging out with milk-drinking stallions Wine Tonite! and Eat It, Atlanta. Despite my curves, ’twas a great time had by all. Chefs Kelly English, Todd Mussman, Kevin Rathbun, Mike Lata, and event winner Sean Brock (and their crews) delivered, and the wines did not slouch either. While Pinot Noir was the focus, watch out for great Bordeaux blends (both red and white) coming out of Washington’s (Walla Walla) Buty Winery, who may have slipped in under the Pinot-stained radar and stolen the show.

I’ll tell you who didn’t deliver: my camera. All too apparent that the new Canon I’ve been pining for gets kicked up the priority ladder. Sorry cholesterol meds. I’m sure you see this post as a thinly-veiled flirtation to be “more than friends”, but the fancy camera’s wearing the shorter skirt right now. Luckily, some decent video from the Flip MinoHD and a little help from Roger Waters made for my most disturbing video yet!

Jer[oboam] was a Bullfrog

Joe Herrig — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 19:31:00 +0000

I have no cool or humorous frog reference. Not a good Three Dog Night one, either. Sometimes, when I have an idea for a post, I just put in the title, then come back and write it later. Clearly, I thought a play on “Jeremiah was a Bullfrog” (the first line from Three Dog Night’s “Joy to the World”) was something rather clever and/or amusing.

Now I’m sitting here, thinking, “this is a really stupid name for a post.” But, I suppose I’m stuck with it.

Anyway, after spending a fun-filled weekend in birthing and labor classes, I can’t help but focus on the impending arrival of my baby daughter. More specifically, the celebration associated. Not surprisingly, I feel toasting with a proper bottle of Champagne or sparkling wine seems quite appropriate. My problem is always doing something with restraint, or at least on the level of normal human beings. I want to celebrate BIG. I want to completely leapfrog everyone else when it comes to the scale of jubilation.

“Leapfrog”…bang! Frog reference realized. Must’ve been those pork chops I ate for dinner last night. Don’t let those wily Fish Industry marketeers fool you: pork is the REAL brain food.

Okay, so I’m gonna welcome my daughter into the world in a big way, and there seems to be nothing better than a giant bottle of bubbly. Luckily, the Champenoise have a knack for such an opus. In fact, one can find sparkling wine in a literal plethora of sizes. “Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of Champagne bottles?” Yes, El Guapo, and here they are:

Split: 1/4 bottle, or .187 liters

Demi: 1/2 bottle, or .375 liters

Standard: 1 standard 750 ml or 3/4 liter bottle (known in liquor as a “fifth”)*

Magnum: 2 standard bottles, or 1.5 liters

Jeroboam: 4 standard bottles, or 3 liters

Rehoboam: 6 standard bottles, or 4.5 liters

Methuselah: 8 standard bottles, or 6 liters

Salmanazar: 12 standard bottles, or 9 liters

Balthazar: 16 standard bottles, or 12 liters

Nebuchadnezzar: 20 standard bottles, or 15 liters

*ever wondered why it’s called a “fifth”? Me too. 750 ml is actually about 1/5 of a U.S. gallon. Quiz a hobo the next he asks you for a fifth. If he gets it right, he gets the booze, and a little education.

**funny side-note. When I was memorizing these bottle sizes during my CSW certification, someone suggested the following mnemonic to remember the bottles larger than a standard: Magnum, Jeroboam, Rehoboam, Methuselah, Salmanazar, Balthazar, Nebuchadnezzar = MJRMSBN = “Michael Jackson Really Makes Small Boys Nervous”. I know, it’s terrible, and it doesn’t really apply anymore, but not matter what I do, I always run it through my head to remember the bottles. Damn mnemonics!

While I can’t say for sure why these wines are put in all these different bottle sizes (other still wines are put in larger bottles too), I suspect it has something to do with presentation. I’ve heard some say that the wines age better in larger bottles, but I also think that people have always relished the novelty of showing up with a giant bottle of wine at a celebration. It’s like being a prop comic. Imagine being the Gallagher of the wine party? It’d be totally awesome, except for the Gallagher part.

In Champagne production (or any bottle labeled “méthode champenoise”, “traditional method”, “cap classique”, or any variation/translation of those), a secondary fermentation occurs in the bottle to create the fizz. However, in some of these huge bottle sizes, such a process is a little unwieldy. Therefore, the wine undergoes secondary fermentation in standard bottles, and then they are emptied into a pressurized tank, treated with dosage, and the wine is loaded into the crazy Gallagher bottles. This process is known as transvasage. Half bottles, standard sizes, magnums, and jeroboams require secondary fermentation in the bottle; transvasage is not allowed.

And so, I’m on the lookout for one of these “large formats” (as the geeks call them). Champagne and sparkling wine are all about celebration, and I can’t think of a better occasion. Either that, or I just want to relate with my baby child, thus the need for nursing from a bottle. While I’m leaning towards a bottle of Taittinger (one of my favorites), I’m open to any recommendations any of you may have!

Why I love "United Slurps"

Joe Herrig — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 02:42:00 +0000

If you spent most of your days in Los Angeles, why would you venture out beyond your warm, smoggy amniotic sac to catch a buzz? Tons of great and affordable* bars in town, wine shops offering all the small production, craft wines that don’t leave the state of California (which accounts for 90% of the nation’s wine production), and only a couple hours drive from world-class wine regions like the Santa Ynez Valley, Santa Rita Hills, and Paso Robles. Plus, when your average speed of travel is 1 mile per hour, drinking in the car is probably not even dangerous. Nay, it’s encouraged.

*denotes sarcasm. I blame you hipsters for driving up the price of crappy Pabst Blue Ribbon. Quit drinking it to be ironic.

Okay, “to catch a buzz” is a crude way of defining what the folks at Swirl, Smell, Slurp are trying to do (check out our collaboration HERE). The enigmatic “She” and “He” of this operation have struck out on a quest to taste wines from all 50 states. Dubbed the “United Slurps of America”, this painstaking process involves contacting wineries nationwide, procuring product, navigating the logistical minefield that is state-by-state shipping law, booking local bloggers and other rascals to themselves wrangle identical product, tasting (or “slurping”, as they say, though I’ve never been complimented on my audible slurping ability at any wine tasting outside of Woodstock, GA), evaluating, writing, and posting. All this while being honest, but positive enough to maintain interest in participation from potential winemakers.

Sounds like a lot of trouble. Trouble that’s greatly appreciated. These folks don’t need to be venturing out. Hell, they may be ridiculed for such actions. Why go to the trouble to drink the pedestrian plonk of fools: wistful wine lovers trying in vain to reproduce France, Italy, and California closer to home?

But maybe it’s not that simple. Maybe the winemakers and vineyard managers in West Texas, in Michigan’s Leelanau Peninsula, in Delaware County, Pennsylvania, and on Georgia’s Dahlonega Plateau are trying to do something unique. Maybe they’re working the land with unique grapes like Seyval Blanc, Chambourcin, and Tempranillo …trying to find what fits each area’s unique climate, geography, and soil. Perhaps all the toil and effort (which is MORE THAN SIGNIFICANT in the process from grape to glass) is simply intended to express…terroir.

Is there beauty in a wine that expresses- exactly- a vine-draped piece of dirt in Iowa? Isn’t the fact that no other bottle of wine on earth can truly reproduce what comes from that infinitely unique square of terrain a thing of beauty? Something worth exploring? At the very least, worth trying? We can make broad assumptions- based on our limited knowledge and experience- of where a wine should find its genesis, but we simply cannot KNOW without a personal, sensory evaluation. We may not realize what we’re missing out there. Wine is the ultimate in subjectivity, and the notes, recommendations, and even warnings of others simply cannot decide for us.

So I applaud Swirl, Smell, Slurp for undertaking the ultimate evaluation; for not going the easy or familiar route and approaching the bounty of America without pretense or expectation. I’m proud of Georgia. Ben Simons is proud of Texas. Grace Hoffman is proud of Iowa. Shannon & Cortney Casey are proud of Michigan. Dezel Quillen is proud of Virginia. Brian Kirby is proud of all of the “other 46″. And I think I speak for these wine lovers and the producers in our respective states when I say, “thanks for stopping by.”